in case you still care.

you can visit me at megebeam.tumblr.com

cause it's easier to update.
=)

the end.

one of the darker songs.

a song for the day.

feel it good and deep, friends.
the only way out is through.

liturgy.

i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose
i am on purpose

and then it occurred to me.

it wasn't just the loss of her youth i was mourning.

it was mine.

the verse.

when i think of what i would leave
when i think of what i would have the ones who know me say of me,
i'm learning that it comes down to simple phrases -- the words themselves are simple. making them true is another thought entirely...

the woman i want to be

she shows mercy with a confidence that makes people turn a head. how can she be a door mat without being a door mat?
she shows grace when guilt is more than evident.
she actively seeks reconciliation with the ones who wound her deeply.
she is transparent.
her eyes speak of her compassion and grace before her anger.
she knows her weaknesses well.
she sharpens iron.

she has been with Jesus.

spring.

I'm always a little sad when the dogwoods turn green, and the blooms are gone.

But they'll be back.

to whom it may concern:

that's all.

sabbath.

i'm always a little lost on sundays.

and just because i know i'm not the only one:

day 3. i call it, 'say.'

**
even if your hands are shaking.
**

The words are getting farther and farther away from my ears. They've taken their time, beating the walls in my head, slashing my esophagus and piercing through my lungs and stomach. They sit, nay, they convulse in my heart on day 3 since I first heard them. And in their convulsions, the ideas, the visions, the still images... they are infuriating, heartbreaking, tragic, and indescribably beautiful.

**
and your faith is broken
**

Because all that is dead, does not have to stay that way.
And all that appears dark cannot not be conquered by the presence of light however small.

And that is the truth.

**
even as the eyes are closing
**

Healing
may very well be the most painful thing I have ever gone through.

And it has taken my breath away.

He
has taken my breath away.

With the weight and texture of His mercy. Of His love. Of the grace that is, indeed, so hard to swallow.

**
do it with a heart wide open
**

I often wonder, since I was once told, if I reveal too much-- if I say too many things or give the appearance of opening up so much that nothing is left to the imagination. But I'm starting to believe that maybe whoever gets this peak into my existence on this planet... for however long... this is for you to see as much as it is for me to have shown it.

And I am a firm believer that if there is anything God Almighty will say to me when I can hear His voice in my ears and I'm... finished... I just can't picture Him saying, "Now, Megan, you just took that all a bit far... you tried a bit too hard..."

**
have no fear for giving in
have no fear for giving over
you better know that in the end
it's better to say too much
than never to say what you need to say again
**

And you know what...

maybe He won't say anything to me at all.
Maybe He will just see me.
And I will have been seen.



And it will be good.

come-apart.

Then the Old Man of the Earth stooped over the floor of the cave, raised a huge stone from it, and left it leaning. It disclosed a great hole that went plumb-down.

"That is the way," he said.

"But there are no stairs."

"You must throw yourself in. There is no other way."

-George MacDonald (The Golden Key)

let it be a sweet, sweet sound.

You do your work the best that you can
you put one foot in front of the other...
Life comes in waves and makes its demands
you hold on as well as you're able.

You've been here for a long long time...

But Hope has a way of turning its face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
'It's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be Hope'

It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
it's been dark since you can remember
you talk it all through to find it a name
as days go on by without number

You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning its face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
'It's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be Hope'

Hope has a way of turning its face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window

And something's there...
something's there...

It's Hope.


*Sara Groves 'It Might Be Hope'

the truth.

we are all capable of despicable self-absorption, and that is the truth.
i, more often than not (and much to my great despair), love only the ones who love me, and that is the truth.

i plan even when not consciously planning. and it almost always breaks my heart. and that is the truth.

i can't keep fingernail polish on my fingernails looking decent for a solid week. and that is SO the truth.

i expect cruelty from almost everyone, and that is the truth.
i am learning that maybe people aren't so bad, and that is the truth.
i understand what it means to loathe the hope that won't seem to falter underneath all of the darkness. it is painful. hope is so painful. and that is the truth.

where i may mourn and fall under the pressure of great sadness, i do ultimately have the goal of a lion heart and will not be shaken. and that is the truth.

when i love, it is deeply and without restraint. and that is the truth.
i have long been aware that if i do not love, i am nothing. and that is the truth.
i was not made for ordinary use, and that is the truth.
this world is not my home, and that has never felt more like the truth.
Jesus is the most precious thing i will ever know. and that is the truth.

i suffer from serious unbelief and fear and frustration... and from accusations that all that has ever happened to me in my life was deserved and has ruined me. and no matter how hard i try--no matter the effort i put into belief, i find that it must be a supernatural occurrence. i must be given the belief by One who is Truth. and i am growing to be okay with that. and that is the truth.

Jesus weaves and spins the fibers of what makes me a person... of what makes me love Him in a way that only He could have orchestrated and I get the pleasure and agony of experiencing it. He hand tailors that for me. As He does for every human being who ever existed and ever will exist... And He gives us opportunities to experience these things together... He makes us matter to each other... because He is a creative God. *laugh* Oh, so creative. And even out of blood, of charred skin and ashes... He brings such beauty. I believe that. and it is the truth.

Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.*
and that is the truth.

*Job 13:15

a spade.

I say I'm willing to learn.
I even go so far as to say I love to learn.

And when the actual learning comes, I fold and cry like a kindergartner.

I don't understand. I can't do this right...

I suppose I could spend a lot of time in this blog making it sound like poetry when really it's just self-pity.

I know it. You know it. We all know it.

Call a spade, yes?

Yes.

Truth is, I had a miserable week. I tried not to say I'd had a miserable week because the reasons for said misery were so deeply rooted that to even begin to unpack them would make them all the miserable...er...

*scratches head*

Anyway, despite the fact that my head, chest and ears are full of pollen-induced infection, I'm hopeful about the coming week. The coming weeks...

I'm hopeful about my life.

I don't think belief is always a decision I can make for myself. I think belief is learned, especially as grownups. But hope...

Hope is a decision.


*****
Are You caught up in me like I heard You say?
Or just some big cashier that I'll have to pay?
I just wanna be not what I am today
I just wanna be better than my friends might say
I just want a small part in Your passion play...
****

i would try and stand as tall as i can.

here's to you, Monday:

a hopeful outlook for the week
a glimpse of restoration, however distant
slight insomnia
a light glance into what my life could potentially be...

tonight, if i could do anything out loud without waking up the house, i would gather some chums (and relatives) and relive this.

i like to think eternity will include a good hundred thousand years or so of just getting to do that...

g*nite, friends.

from the marrow.

o, for a heart that does not ache
and for a backbone that won't break
for some steady feet
or sturdy ground
a road that isn't gonna let me
turn around...and around...and around...

for a thousand tongues to sing

to wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
for the patience and perspective of a man like Job
just to soar on wings of eagles
for no other reason
than the bird's eye view
for a flight or two

and the list gets longer
of who i wish i was
and was no longer

i never could be good enough
to measure up
but You
wanna take me as i come
You're the only who can
so take me as i am

o, to feel hope in hopeless times
never mind the silver lining cause the clouds are fine
to breathe prayers that move the heavens
that save hundreds from the flames
to know my place
to know my name

but the gap grows wider
between who i am
and all i aspire to be

i never could be good enough
to measure up
but You
wanna take me as i come
You're the only one who can
take me as i am

at the end of myself, at the end of the day
i can find little else but the courage to say:

i need You. that's all.

i need You.

that's

all.

* Nichole Nordeman "Take Me As I Am"

Tut, tut, child! Everything's got a moral, if only you can find it.

I wonder if I've been changed in the night? Let me think. Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I'm not the same, the next question is 'Who in the world am I?' Ah, that's the great puzzle!

Alice in Wonderland.

Thou my best thought, by day or by night.

“…Up till then he had been looking at the Lion’s great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion’s eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared to Digory’s own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself.

“My son, my son,” said Aslan. “I know. Grief is great. Only you and I in this land know that yet. Let us be good to one another. “

-C.S. Lewis, The Magician’s Nephew

*painting is Sir George Clausen's "Youth Mourning"

help my unbelief.

I heard a phrase recently that changed me a little. A little more than 'a little,' actually, truth be told... but I can't say it changed me 'a lot.' I'm not sure why. I think it's because to be changed a lot seems like a process... Anyway, not the point.

The point is the phrase.

And the phrase was about sin, particularly in the life of a person who has survived childhood abuse of sorts. I am convinced that this (survivors of childhood abuse) is a huge majority of people on the planet and, sadly, the better part of this crowd has had the lies they've believed (whether by choice or not) validated by the church... if for no other reason than there are pastors and youth pastors who speak long before they think or even experience. And the speaking is done with such insensitivity, the damage is far worse than they could've imagined. I say this from experience. Too much talking. Always.

Back to the phrase, Megan:

It said, essentially, that 'sin' is a word we use so easily, so quickly and SO heavily, that we as evangelicals are saturated with this innate fear of it-- as if 'sin' were Satan himself. Yes, before you get all finger-pointing-at-the-heretic on me, I firmly believe that sin leads to death. It always has and it always will. It is the sad state of a post-Fall humanity, whether we like it or not. We're already dirty. We're already prone to self-absorption. We don't know anything else. And yet, somewhere in us… we do.

Anyway, back to the sin phrase.

He described the sin of self-absorption as, yes, legitimate sin--the missing of the mark. A focus on self where there should be a focus on Christ. But what began to eat away at the chains of fear weighing heavily on my understanding of myself was when he said, yes this is sin -- but not all sin is blameworthy.

Blame.

Now there's a word we like to throw around.

There's a fine line, to be sure, between being accused or shamed for something and being convicted by the Holy Spirit. I am no expert in deciphering between the two of these things, know this. I have a therapist for this reason. And while I learn this, while I go thru what she calls 'recovery' from childhood trauma and abuse of a variety of natures, I start to notice the differences.

If there's one I can point out, it's that conviction from the Holy Spirit is sure to discipline in a way that tells me I matter. Accusation and shame-based 'conviction' (believe me, this is a method evangelicals have used for many hundred years…) will tell you continually, by word or by deed, that you are not good enough.

Of course, it's true. You cannot save yourself--Truth tells you this just by being present. And being true.

That said, Truth does not continually place you in your post-Fallen state. Not good enough. Not clean enough. Not holy enough. Not not not not enough enough enough enough...

Yeah, we know. We got it. We're fallen. They ate the fruit.

We ate the fruit. We continue to eat the fruit.

We'd rather know than live.

It happened. And now we're stuck this way.

Only, Truth took form. And conquered Death at Death's own game. Truth may have even orchestrated the entire thing...

Thing is, even after showing Himself, we're still in this odd in-between place while the process of sanctification is underway. We've been regenerated, allowing us to see exactly how not enough we are. But if it weren't for Truth, whispering gently how worth it we are…

what would be the point?

All of that as a disclaimer to the following:

We, as people of regenerate hearts, continually accuse and blame one another of unbelief (as if it were something we could help), in the guise of edification.

We fool ourselves into thinking that we are trekking on the path of sanctification --the narrow path.

We are convinced that we are analyzing our selves when we're saying "Oh, I know what my struggles are. I know what my feelings are and I have the gift of discerning which of my feelings are good and which are bad."

Good. Bad.
Right. Wrong.
Black. White.

It's just that easy, right?

Belief.

Unbelief.

That's how it works. And if you aren't one, you're the other. And you should probably change to the "good" ones.

*sigh* You know, it's taken me 26 long years (if not actually about 87 human years) to come to an incredibly surface (so far) realization that there are actually very few absolute rights and wrongs in the world. Don't misunderstand me, I certainly believe in absolutes. And the absolutes are without question… absolute. I will not be shaken from that. But we have such a tendency of making absolute that which is not now nor has ever been or ever will be absolute. At all.

And it's continually masked by what we call 'de-compartmentalizing our faith.' When, in fact, we are only appearing to de-compartmentalize. The process of digging and cleaning out and truly de-compartmentalizing is quickly and heavily and INEVITABLY accompanied by…

*drumroll please*

unbelief.

Don't believe me?

Then feel free to read in Luke 7 (starting around 16 or 18 I think) about John the Baptizer in prison. John the Baptizer, guys. He's cousin to the Christ. He freaking jumped around in the womb when Mary walked in the door. Of all people on earth, in the history of HUMANITY who would KNOW the Christ, it would be John, right?

Right?

But when push came to shove, and his very life… his head…literally… depended on his confidence in the validity of Jesus being who He says He is…

He couldn't help but ask one final time...

"Are you telling me the truth?"

And how did Jesus respond? Did He respond with blame? "John, you worthless betrayer! Of all people to call me a liar, you? Depart from me."

Nope.

And why? Because it was not blameworthy.

Jesus had performed all of these miracles within the hour that John sent the message to Him. And His response was, "Tell him what you've seen."

Interesting that He wants us to remind each other... to be open and vulnerable about what we've seen Him do. This is how we remember what's true. Wonder how often that takes place...

And what about Mark 9? When Jesus casts a demon out of a little boy because the disciples couldn't do it themselves. And the father of the boy demonstrates the conflict raging inside any regenerate heart experiencing something of great depth:

I believe! Help my unbelief! he wails.

Help my unbelief.

I'm doing the best I know how to do.
I'm believing all I know how.

It sounds ridiculous when you think about it.
How can you make yourself believe something?




I don't think you can.
Your belief has to be given to you.
And for all your regenerate works and worship… you will never have belief unless you ask for help for it in the first place.

All that said, I'd now like to take a minute to vent about every Christian who has, in so many words, condemned my unbelief as if it were a pit I have chosen for myself. Yes, I am as much like Hosea's whorish wife as any of us. There are times I choose to fall when I could stand. I'm tangled in contradiction, sometimes of my own orchestration. Sometimes I only love those who love me first or back.

But when I look at these things...when I see them about myself--the sins blameworthy and the ones not blameworthy-- all that I can say in response is a pathetic plea muffled under tears and snot and bruises and blood...

save me.
turn the light off.
turn the light on.
I can't help myself.
I believe...
help my unbelief…

And to the eternal praise of the only One who is faithful to me:

I do not serve a God who blames.




To sum up:

I just think, as a general rule, people should suffer more before they talk out loud.

The end.

As if you needed another reason to watch this show...

So, here's the short version of this story. My co-workers and I (equally obsessive over LOST) decided we should enter the LOST promo contest on the ABC website. The regulations call for a 35 second promotional video with only the music they provide and clips and such... After having my Macbook (appropriately named 'Jack') for a little over a week now, I got a quick tutorial in GarageBand and iMovie from Bubbles and started my promo. It didn't take long for me to realize that 35 seconds was under NO circumstances going to satisfy my creative itch as far as this was concerned, so we've decided to hold another competition within the office for the best promo video--zero regulations. :) I mean, maybe a time limit or something. That said, this is my first attempt.

ALERT: This video contains footage from ALL SEASONS so far, including Season 6. If you haven't caught up, and that means you, Emily and Jenna, THIS WILL SPOIL. So watch at your own risk.

That said, allow me to introduce my first competitive production media. Music from Hans Zimmer (both the Angels and Demons and Pirates of the Carribbean: At World's End soundtracks) and Morten Lauridson's O Magnum Mysterium, mixed by yours truly. Clips, as will be made most obvious by the frequently appearing Property of ABC Studios watermark, property of ABC studios. And text from my all time favorite poet and verse: Walt Whitman's O Me, O Life. So turn up the volume and clear your schedule for roughly 5.5 minutes. It's okay to cry.

proceed here.

(I'd upload it, but the file is MASSIVE. And this site does sorta screw with the quality of both picture and sound but... it'll do for now. Enjoy.)

on sunday evening.

I highly recommend listening to this song while you read the following lyrics:

I’ve been dreaming such a long time
And I’ve been waiting for the sunshine
But all my friends they say I’m getting by with sleeping in
They say I’m sleeping in

You know whenever I try I want to get it right
But I distract my focus and blur my own sight
‘Cause I’ve convinced myself that my best can only come in the moonlight
And I keep sleeping in
I keep on sleeping in
And missing something

(Close your eyes before the daylight breaks)

There are things about me I just can’t ignore
I know I want to change and I see that door
On the other side daylight decides there will be war with sleeping in
Oh, I know they’ll be no more sleeping in

I wait, I wait, I wait only in jest
I wait, I wait, I wait with no need to rest I wait
“The day, the day, the day will come again,” I say
A ray of light can only get in if I say
I’ve been putting off this purification a rebirth
and a regeneration inside of me
And I’ve been saying “no” for far too long
even though something brand new is coming out of me

I’m going to wake up, wake up every morning and then decide
I’m going to wake up, wake up every morning and make it mine
Rain or shine

I wake, I wake, I wake and greet the day
The light is on the change is made I can see my way
The day, the day, this day has come again
Each ray of light will make its way into the core of me
I always knew that I was missing something
I know this time that I will leave nothing up to chance
And in the wake of this brand new day I see the light
and I feel the sun and I’ll do it all again tomorrow


Night/Day - Mae


*****************

It's true, what they say, you know.
Mae is for lovers.
:)

to monday...

sans everything...

All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms.
And then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honor, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lined,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth ages shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on and pouch on side,
His youthful hose, well saved, a world too wide
For his shrung shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is the second childishness and mere oblivion,
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything.

--William Shakespeare As You Like It

*Photo from John Mayer

blue mind.

Honest to God, I can’t remember ever wishing to grow up. This could be due to several things. Mostly, I’ve always felt pretty old. There’s never been a time when I didn’t understand far more than I should have in order to maintain some sense of innocence. I’ve always seen into the layers of things. Not because I’m some sort of savant, but because it’s how I survived. Literally. If my life—all that I was seeing and enduring--wasn’t really about something else, then there was no point. No rhyme. No reason. No purpose. No story.

Why live?

That said, where I’ve always felt like I was an adult, I do know that I kept hoping that one day things would slow down or the trauma would subside long enough for me to have my turn. All I really wanted, and even find myself wanting now, was (and is) the space to figure out what exactly it is that I love, what I’d want to do and who, exactly, the hell I am.

I thought my turn might come in college, even though I made the decision to stay closer to home. I find myself wondering now if I didn’t miss out on my turn because of that decision. Where I could’ve gone…what I could’ve done… Bygones.

My turn came in pieces in college. I learned about people. I made stupid, careless mistakes with my heart and my judgment and my reputation in the name of feeling lighthearted or even rebellious (as rebellious as I would’ve been). Then in graduate school I thought for sure my turn had come. This was going to be the part where I grew into my skin and finally understood myself.

Lies.

I left grad school more insecure than I came. And yet, a better, more articulate version of myself. Riddle me that, Batman.

Now, here I am. In a cubicle. The exact place I said I’d NEVER be.

Maybe I should’ve just said I’d never stay in a cubicle?

*sigh*

Everybody had to do this, right? Everybody who’s ever done anything that mattered had to start somewhere that made them all say to themselves at some point or another, “What in the hell am I doing here?”

I’m not grown up enough to be a grown up. I’ve got officially nothing figured out.

And to top it off, I’m almost headed in the exact opposite direction. I don’t want to answer the question, “What do you want to do?” anymore. The only answer that I’ve had for 26 years is that I just want to be like Jesus. And yeah, don’t think I haven’t gotten the lecture on ‘making a living’ (my number one favorite ‘I’m a sell-out’ phrase) and being a ‘good steward’ of money (that I don’t have and don’t really care the first thing for making….?). I’ve gotten those lectures. And it doesn’t matter how in-depth we take the conversation about what I want to do… the details are always going to be the same. What do I love to study? Jesus. What do I want to talk about? How everything relates to Jesus or doesn’t. What, in a perfect world, would I do with my time and my life? Travel, write, learn, listen to folks and talk about Jesus.

Do not be surprised if you answer any career surveys like this to then immediately receive the following message:

We’re sorry. Your request has returned (0) results. You aren’t compatible with anything. Do what you want and live in a box.

Hard not to conclude that you should just marry rich and call it a day.

*Note: Do not even get me started on getting married and having babies. Sweet Jesus, I can barely commit to what I want for lunch. I’m a nightmare*

Normally, this would be the part where I would say we need to bring back bartering (which I am 100% behind). But sometimes, I’m sick of that, too. And it’s the dumbest thing. My utmost desire is to be completely self-sufficient. I’ll live outside and somehow benefit from the elements of sun and rain… I’ll eat a couple of apples and write and take pictures and draw and listen to tunes. I can hang out with my friends. We’ll all just… be.

Then it occurs to me, in this useless daydream, that all of that sounds so familiar…

Feels so familiar… why…

And God created man in His own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky, and every living thing that moves on the earth.” Then God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you; and to every beast of the earth and to ever bird of the sky and to everything that moves on the earth which has life, I have given every green plant for food” and it was so. And God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good.
Genesis 1:28-31

I have been there.
It is right for me to long to be there again.
I was made for that place.

And I will return. This is just what it takes.

Back to that career survey...

to whom much is given...

CHRISTIAN: [handing Jack files] ITR reports need to be signed by you as Chief Resident.

[Jack notices Christian staring at him.]

JACK: What?

CHRISTIAN: Careful. There's a line, son. You know it's there. And pretending it's not -- that would be a mistake.

JACK: Guess you would know.

CHRISTIAN: It may be okay for some people, Jack. But not for you.

gratitude.

"What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.'



Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance..."

***************************************

oh, how He loves us so...

resolution.

It's not really until day 4 or 5 in the year that I decide to do something that matters this year. Then give me about 6 months before I've justified blowing it all to hell...because I am, in fact, quite human.

I've been dialoguing with myself on and off the past few days about whether or not I'd bother with a list of resolutions at all. I mean, with all that's happened in the last month alone... Let's just say, I'm obviously a commitment-phobe. Self proclaimed. With no plan to change it...

That said, perhaps I can at least make one commitment...right?

New Years' ResolutioN

1. Stop drinking Diet Coke. You know they're terrible for your kidneys. And that's not even mentioning the aspartame and God knows what other kinds of preservatives are ruining your body and giving you all sorts of cancers and... other...stuff... And when do you really NEED a coke, anyway, huh? Like, in the mornings when you've gotten up at dawn and already been up all night because your mom was sick again or because your dad couldn't sleep so he was wandering around the house... and you couldn't just go shut your eyes completely because you didn't want to miss some traumatic event that you could quite possibly help with... and you know you've got to get to work by 7:30 and they're ONCE AGAIN moving 5 double wide trailers across Jefferson County on a work day during rush hour... I mean... is that really a good enough reason?

*sigh*. yeah. it's a pretty damned good reason for a Diet Coke.

Scratch that.

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New Years' ResolutioN

1. Commit to that elliptical machine. I mean, you're that girl, right? The one who isn't afraid to actually change the one thing you've feared your entire life? And you're ready... right now... to face that giant no matter what it looks like when it comes out of that box... you're ready to do that...amidst all the trauma and exhaustion and darkness already wearing you out 2 days into this year... you're ready to hold yourself to that standard? And be gentle with yourself? Are you ready...to be gentle with yourself?

*deep breath*

Do I even know what that means?

dammit.

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New Years' ResolutioN

1. Don't be so frustrated with the way things are...

oh, who am I kidding. Nothing frustrates me more than knowing I can't change 'the way things are...'

Can I even change anything?
Will I... even...change...anything?

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No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.

-Lewis

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New Years' ResolutioN

1. Let. Something. Go.