I hope you find it, cause I cannot find it in me

I'm taking an hour break from my study today. I'm trying not to do too much of anything "new" at this point. It would only exhaust and overwhelm me further I think...

Stress causes a lot of introspection I think. The only time I felt so overwhelmed that I fought off tears was today when I drove to get lunch after class. I was frustrated to be behind this huge 15 passenger van that blocked my view of the red-light which I felt sure was green. But for some reason we were at a dead stop. This does not make me happy in the suburbs. No reason not to go when it's legal...so for God's sake GO! Anyway, I sat there thinking about what exactly it is that makes me so nervous about taking this huge exam. And it finally occurred to me--which is what evoked the tears.

I'm afraid of what I can't do.

And no one...NO ONE at this God-forsaken place has taken the opportunity to find out whether or not I actually can do this, so it leaves the entire thing up to my trust in what I know and what I believe God can do with what I know. I've heard the stories... I know what He can do with next to nothing. I just don't want to be next to nothing. I don't know. It takes too much energy for this kind of self-analysis right now. Or at any point in the next 24 hours. I should just shut up and jump...

"God tamed and made teachable a mind too stubborn for its years" - John Calvin

Is it strange that I find it somewhat comforting to fall asleep listening to podcasts from Reformed Theological Seminary on the History of Christianity. They have whole courses online you know... hours and hours of lectures on everything I do during the day anyway. Somehow, it makes me feel like I'm subconsciously learning things if I just have these lectures on over and over in the background of my every day work *lol*. I realize that's insane...

Is that insane?

Whatever. I guess we'll find out.

I get it. I'm not going to feel prepared. No matter how much information I stuff into my head, how many books I read and write notes on, no matter how long I spend reading and memorizing these charts and notes from classes---I'm never going to feel like I know everything I need to know. All I really want is to do well. And here's hoping they ask questions that will allow me to reflect everything I really do know well... because I do know some things.

Pardon me if 2000 years worth of "church history" is a difficult thing to swallow...especially during a time where you're deciding if you think the "church" thing is a good thing at all.

Today is all about the Reformation--as was most of yesterday. My friend Amber has graciously agreed to help me with a review session today, as the Reformation period is the only period I have not specifically had a class on. And she's had at least two... not to mention she's a human history machine. I believe they say things like "she has the gift" here.

I don't have the gift, apparently.

Then again, it's not like I would expect anyone at Wheaton to recognize any of the gifts I do have. Sadly, I'll leave here and they won't ever really know, will they... Not a lot I can do about that.

**Random Note** I put my GAP jeans in the dryer on accident, and they still fit. I love it when that happens. **End Random Note**

Pray I can keep my time managed in a way this week that allows me to get everything done for classes, for comps studying, and still relax. I give myself breaks. I'm usually up pretty late. And I do want to feel rested Friday morning. My God, Friday morning. *shudder*

It's not comforting really to think that this time next week it will be a thing of the past. I just don't feel ready. But I can't afford to spend another 6 months preparing. Clearly, this is when God means for me to take this test.

THIS...is when He MEANS for me to do this. And He wouldn't will me to do this if He were just going to leave me hanging out in the cold, right? Would He let me fail this?

I don't know if I can answer that.

*shakes head* I don't have to answer that. My job is to do this work to the aboslute best of my ability. And I think that it is what I'm doing. Maybe that's another issue I need to add to my pile. I don't really know when I'm doing my best.

I did my best, I did my best, I did my best. --Shout out to Dane Cook.

Hey, remember that time America elected a shady socialist for President? Just sayin'...

Better get my stuff together. Amber will be here in a few.

my so-called life

I've come to a conclusion about myself of which I am no longer ashamed and will supress no longer, regardless of my circumstances. I love pop culture. I love knowing what's going on with the popular kids, I love analyzing their behavior deciding what exact kind of normalcy or at least psychiatric therapy that they need in order to become functional human beings in a country that has elevated them to the status of divinity. I have determined that it's possible I'm the only contributor to the human species who does not in fact, elevate them to an unrealistic status--rather, I like to figure them out just like I figure out every Tom, Dick and Harry serving at Starbucks or IHOP. *shrug* Just something I've realized I'm less ashamed of than I thought... FYI.

I've been watching the cancelled series Arrested Development online and I finally finished it last night. It's hilarious. I highly recommend it.

I saw The Secret Life of Bees this weekend. It also comes highly recommended from me, though it is certainly one of the more heavy movies I've seen in a long time...but it's worth it. It's art.

I'm exhausted, and I haven't even really started yet. I can't believe it's almost November already. In two months it will be 2009... that's insane.

Anyway, back to the drawing board. I'm done.

FYI

My professor, Chris Mitchell, who teaches my Theology and the Literary Imagination has done a podcast class at Seattle Pacific University on CS Lewis and Tolkien as friends. You can look it up on iTunes if you'd like a little piece of the class I just finished up this week. :)

If you search "CS Lewis and JRR Tolkien: Scholars and Friends" it should come up in iTunes. They misspelled his name so under "Artist" it should say "Mitchell, Cristopher." It's a free download and since I'm addicted to podcasts (particularly lectures...) I highly recommend it.

K that is all for now.

I'm too involved with making plans for my soul

Confession: One of my favorite pastimes is to do a google image search of random abstract concepts just to see what kind of pictures show up. I'll go and type in something like "beauty" or "reality" or "love" etc. Depending on what the word actually is (*hm* "actually" I need to try that one...) you could end up with images that you totally did not intend to run across. Then again, you'd be surprised.

I tend to type the words "worship" or "home" or "laughter" and stuff like that. I love when people's random candid shots show up...of their kids laughing at their dog or their parents walking on the beach... perfectly exemplary of the fact that there is something bigger than us in the world. If there weren't...existence would be pointless. And I, for one, am not a huge fan of pointless...

If I find in myself desires that nothing in this world can satisfy, I can only conclude that I was made for another world. -C.S. "Jack" Lewis

I've been listening to this album I bought on iTunes...it's called "Until We are Ghosts" by William Fitzsimmons. I think it's one of his older ones--maybe 2006?--but this guy does some serious thinking when he writes these lyrics. Clearly, he's struggling with some concept of salvation of sorts. Even though he never really verbalizes it in "christian" or specifically "religious" terminology (aside from the stating of the phrase "passion play"), his mind is moving around. It's fascinating to watch/listen. And because there's so much substance to it, it's great music...in theory as well as in practice. :)

I finished The Great Divorce for the millionth time today. There's just no way to be as articulate as C. S . Lewis. The man never ceases to amaze me. And yet, in all of his wisdom and creativity, he never once makes me feel inadequate. He continues to communicate in the simplest ways...and that is exemplary of an annointed communicator. You know that you have been given the gift of communicating truth if you can do it in a way that makes people completely forget about you as the communicator because they can't look away from the Truth you just told them. I think that pretty much sums up what I wanna be when I grow up. *lol*

Not vague at all, right?

I was wired up tonight. I knew I needed to write something that didn't involve a theological debate of any kind because I'll just never sleep if I do. And then I'd just be completely useless tomorrow...and who's got time to be useless?

Not. I.

So, forgive me for theoretically twiddling my thumbs on a blog tonight... you'd understand if you had just heard me yammer on for 45 minutes after class tonight. But I've never been the type to leave a movie theater and immediately be able to jump back into what they call "reality." So...of COURSE I can't do it after a theology class.

I mean, *duh*

Happy Tuesday.

what a shame, for I dearly love to laugh

You should know, while I write this I've got background music--"I Love to Laugh" from the original movie soundtrack Mary Poppins...
Does that make me slightly dorky?
Yes. Yes, it does.
But I'm okay with that. It's not news to me. And it is one of my favorite parts of this movie. *smile* Anyway, it's only 2 minutes long so...it's over now...moving on.

**************************************

I thought I might say something profound, but I think my mind is too tired. I think a lot of me is tired. And as much of a right that I think I may actually have to be tired, it worries me. I don't want to be the kind of person that gets burnt out easy--or bored. Lindsey told me the other day that she thinks I'm one of the most devoted people she knows. I thanked her and still somehow doubted that it is actually true.
Devoted? Really?
Cause I don't feel devoted. And maybe that's something I should explore--yet another reason for exhausting self-analysis. If it's really devotion and not just fear of not finishing something I've started, I'd like to know. Guess that gives me something to look for this week...

****************************************

I can't believe it's October. Mid-October. I mean, Comps are rapidly approaching and somehow I'm terrified about how not terrified I am. And yes, I'm aware of the irony in that last statement. I think I'm just past the point of aching for validation from this place. I want to matter--I want to be somebody that people are proud to have known and been a part of. But at the end of the day, when the rubber meets the road, I want to be the best version of myself more. I want to know and understand what exactly it is I was hand-made to do and be... And the more I study what theological point goes under the category of which doctrine for which file to be buried in what box in whose office---I don't know.

It all just misses somthing...

Wonder. There's just no wonder anymore.

There's reason. Lots and lots of rationale to be passed around like turkey at Thanksgiving. And believe you me, I've seen all the knowledge-gluttons I can take for a long while.

It makes me tired.

Still, I can't decide if that's my right. I don't know anything at all. It's true what they say...the older you get, the stupider you are.

I'm grateful. I'm grateful to have been taught by some of the most brilliant minds in this country--not only brilliant minds but brilliant minds who use their faith as such a part of their work...

Of course I say that and part of me shakes my head--I'm not sure I really believe it.

I'm not sure that I don't believe that the Truth isn't supposed to make us sound a little nuts.

I've studied the religious history of this country and I personally find that our ultimate downfall could very well be our attempt to make something reasonable that simply won't fit itself into the rational parts of our brains. You can slice your head open and gracefully shove as much information as you want. You can leave out all the supernatural stuff that doesn't work... Truth just doesn't exist for that part...it doesn't exist for our mathematical organization. I mean, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm miserably and irreversably naive... but if I know the Truth like I feel in my guts that I do, then the Truth was made to be known and experienced in my imagination.

THAT is the Truth that changes me.

Known relationally...and experienced... not discussed.

************************************

So tonight I was going through this box of old jewelry that I hadn't actually paid any attention to since I moved in...and I found my tiny little notebook from college... my "Happy Book."

It was funny to look through all of those things I'd listed...over 250 of them. I remember when I stopped carrying it around. It was the most subtle thing and had I not run across the notebook it would have never occurred to me. All these times that I get frustrated and homesick and lonely, I remember how grateful I am to be learning these things about myself that I just would have never seen otherwise. I remember Beth Moore saying something about a dog that she had that was crippled and always limped. And when the dog had puppies, even though the puppies were completely healthy, they limped...because that's what their mother did. The example they had of learning how to walk was broken. So they walked...broken.

I don't want to do that. I'm determined to fix my limp before anybody...anybody follows me.

*************************************

Well, there I am.

And I should be asleep.

Tomorrow, I'm on a joy hunt.

I'll report back with my findings.

“If Jesus gives us a task or assigns us to a difficult season, every ounce of
our experience is meant for our instruction and completion if only we'll let Him
finish the work. I fear, however, that we are so attention-deficit that we
settle for bearable when beauty is just around the corner."

-Beth Moore