gratitude.

"What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open country, and go after the one that is lost, until he finds it? And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing. And when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, 'Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep that was lost.'



Just so, I tell you, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance..."

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oh, how He loves us so...

resolution.

It's not really until day 4 or 5 in the year that I decide to do something that matters this year. Then give me about 6 months before I've justified blowing it all to hell...because I am, in fact, quite human.

I've been dialoguing with myself on and off the past few days about whether or not I'd bother with a list of resolutions at all. I mean, with all that's happened in the last month alone... Let's just say, I'm obviously a commitment-phobe. Self proclaimed. With no plan to change it...

That said, perhaps I can at least make one commitment...right?

New Years' ResolutioN

1. Stop drinking Diet Coke. You know they're terrible for your kidneys. And that's not even mentioning the aspartame and God knows what other kinds of preservatives are ruining your body and giving you all sorts of cancers and... other...stuff... And when do you really NEED a coke, anyway, huh? Like, in the mornings when you've gotten up at dawn and already been up all night because your mom was sick again or because your dad couldn't sleep so he was wandering around the house... and you couldn't just go shut your eyes completely because you didn't want to miss some traumatic event that you could quite possibly help with... and you know you've got to get to work by 7:30 and they're ONCE AGAIN moving 5 double wide trailers across Jefferson County on a work day during rush hour... I mean... is that really a good enough reason?

*sigh*. yeah. it's a pretty damned good reason for a Diet Coke.

Scratch that.

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New Years' ResolutioN

1. Commit to that elliptical machine. I mean, you're that girl, right? The one who isn't afraid to actually change the one thing you've feared your entire life? And you're ready... right now... to face that giant no matter what it looks like when it comes out of that box... you're ready to do that...amidst all the trauma and exhaustion and darkness already wearing you out 2 days into this year... you're ready to hold yourself to that standard? And be gentle with yourself? Are you ready...to be gentle with yourself?

*deep breath*

Do I even know what that means?

dammit.

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New Years' ResolutioN

1. Don't be so frustrated with the way things are...

oh, who am I kidding. Nothing frustrates me more than knowing I can't change 'the way things are...'

Can I even change anything?
Will I... even...change...anything?

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No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear.

Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.

-Lewis

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New Years' ResolutioN

1. Let. Something. Go.