just the stirring in my soul.

It really was the kind of morning that lasted all afternoon. I would like to say that it's not still looming over my head in some creepy fashion...but it so is.

A really odd day, today. And I know I should be asleep, say, 50 minutes ago. But I'm not. And all I've wanted to do for 2 straight weeks is write. It's the weirdest thing. I spend so much of my life narrating my experience while I'm living it. And I think, yep, this is how I'll write this. But when it comes to sitting here with this damned blinking cursor...

Nothing.

It never comes out. I do not understand. Does that mean it's just not time for it to come out from it's delightful swim in my brain? Or am I not trying hard enough?

Both highly possible options. And whatever the answer is, I'm doing it tonight. I'm hardly planning to narrate the innermost workings of my dark and twisty soul at this point. You're hardly ready for all of that. Hell, I'm hardly ready for all of that. Tis why I pay somebody to tell me it won't kill me!

*ha*

There are so many places in my life that I so wish I could fast forward through. And yet, I feel. So. Old.

And I'm not saying that because I think I secretly manage to possess more wisdom or maturity or self-awareness than most people my age (however true that may be, it's no secret, right ;) ). I honestly feel like my life is 3/4 over. Like I've done and felt most everything there is to do and feel in life. Most of it dark and uncomfortable and deep. A lot of it I wouldn't trade for anything in the whole world. The only feeling I really think I was cheated out of is that of youth.

I'm not sure I've ever really felt young.

Wonder if they make a pill for that...

I can't help but think that because I believe that I belong ultimately to the greatest Storyteller there is, no detail of my existence will go unseen or un-wrapped-up, if you will. Including that of never being young...

What's the opposite of Peter Pan?

If I could just get a break, a little bit of peace in my circumstances, a little bit of stability and independence, I would make that happen and be the kind of young that I actually, physically am right now. Because I only get to do this once. And God knows, I shake in my metaphorical boots thinking of screwing it up.

I know what you're thinking. I need to relax. A vacation, even. And you're absolutely right. Would you like to donate to the fund? Because I don't know if I've mentioned this, but I took an incredibly impractical job roughly 80 miles from where I live that pays next to nothing all because Jesus told me to. Translation, I'm broke. Send money.

I'll take a vacation if the option comes to the front. I'll do fun things that will contribute to my milkbox missing youth. But ultimately, He knows what I'm missing. And I'm starting to ache for it so bad I'd start selling pieces of my soul to find it.

Not quite to that point yet.

Unless you know a wealthy buyer?

I kid, but only a little.

I'm rambling. I'll stop now.

Here's to Tuesday -- may it, in the gentlest and classiest way possible--beat the hell out of Monday.

black.

I'm pretty sure that I've spent the majority of the past 3 years or so in my car. And it's funny the kind of thinking that can go on while you're driving. Obviously, I'm not driving now. Nonetheless, I almost always think that it's the significant days that provide the juices of creativity. Define significant? Yeah, I can't really, but you know what I mean. I'm starting to discover that my best batches of creativity or insight come on the most random days, the most random times --

the most significantly insignificant days.

It is no secret to anyone who even pretends to know me that I would just about pay any price for the Movie Theater experience. And yes, more than one time a day. Par Exemplar: yesterday. I saw two great movies, and it's funny that I didn't realize until this morning how seeing them and letting my guard down (in a way I haven't actually done in a good while) has affected my state of mind. I was in desperate need of a change of scenery. Sadly, I find myself needing that a lot recently. I hope that's okay.

I guess nobody really decides for me, though, right? So I say, it is okay. Thanks.

Nonetheless, my two great movie experiences gave me the smallest yet sweetest taste of validation that I think I may have had in a long while. Not in that silly fairytale sort of way (and certainly not to say that fairytales are at all an unacceptable form of hopefulness in their own right). More in a "hey, will you back the hell away from what feels like worthless, eternal agony for a second and notice that good plot lines always move somewhere" kind of way.
Whatever that means.

That all said, I think I might have figured something out. I know that's vague and whatnot, but let's face it. We all know that if I tried to articulate it every single one of you would get that look on your face... that "ok, what are you talking about" look. Never gets old. :)

Point of my story: See good movies.