Thursday, December 24, 2009

rejoice, rejoice, Immanuel will come to thee O Israel.

It was not a silent night
There was blood on the ground
You could hear a woman cry
In the alleyways that night
On the streets of David's town

And the stable was not clean
And the cobblestones were cold
And little Mary full of grace
With the tears upon her face
Had no mother's hand to hold

It was a labor of pain
It was a cold sky above
But for the girl on the ground in the dark
With every beat of her beautiful heart
It was a labor of love

Noble Joseph at her side
Callused hands and weary eyes
There were no midwives to be found
In the streets of David's town
In the middle of the night

So he held her and he prayed
Shafts of moonlight on his face
But the baby in her womb
He was the maker of the moon
He was the Author of the faith
That could make the mountains move

It was a labor of pain
It was a cold sky above
But for the girl on the ground in the dark
With every beat of her beautiful heart
It was a labor of love
For little Mary full of grace
With the tears upon her face
It was a labor of love

-Andrew Peterson "Labor of Love"

****************************************************

"NIGHT WAS COMING ON, and it was cold," the shepherd said, "and I was terribly hungry. I had finished all the bread I had in my sack, and my gut still ached for more. Then I noticed my friend, a shepherd like me, about to throw away a crust he didn't want. So I said, 'Throw the crust to me, friend!' and he did throw it to me, but it landed between us in the mud where the sheep had mucked it up. But I grabbed it anyway and stuffed it, mud and all, into my mouth. And as I was eating it, I suddenly saw -- myself. It was as if I was not only a man eating but a man watching the man eating. And I thought, 'This is who I am. I am a man who eats muddy bread.' And I thought, 'The bread is very good.' And I thought, 'Ah, and the mud is very good too.' So I opened my muddy man's mouth full of bread, and I yelled to my friends, 'By God, it's good, brothers!' And they thought I was a terrible fool, but they saw what I meant. We saw everything that night, everything. Everything!

"Can I make you understand, I wonder? Have you ever had this happen to you? You have been working hard all day. You're dog-tired, bonetired. So you call it quits for a while. You slump down under a tree or against a rock or something and just sit there in a daze for half an hour or a million years, I don't know, and all this time your eyes are wide open looking straight ahead someplace but they're so tired and glassy they don't see a thing. Nothing. You could be dead for all you notice. Then, little by little, you begin to come to, then your eyes begin to come to, and all of a sudden you find out you've been looking at something the whole time except it's only now you really see it-one of the ewe lambs maybe, with its foot caught under a rock, or the moon scorching a hole through the clouds. It was there all the time, and you were looking at it all the time, but you didn't see it till just now.

"That's how it was this night, anyway. Like finally coming to-not things coming out of nowhere that had never been there before, but things just coming into focus that had been there always. And such things! The air wasn't just emptiness any more. It was alive. Brightness everywhere, dipping and wheeling like a flock of birds. And what you always thought was silence stopped being silent and turned into the beating of wings, thousands and thousands of them.

Only not just wings, as you came to more, but voices-high, wild, like trumpets. The words I could never remember later, but something like what I'd yelled with my mouth full of bread.

'By God, it's good, brothers! The crust. The mud. Everything. Everything!'

"Oh well. If you think we were out of our minds, you are right, of course. And do you know, it was just like being out of jail. I can see us still. The squint-eyed one who always complained of sore feet. The little sawed-off one who could outswear a Roman. The young one who blushed like a girl. We all tore off across that muddy field like drunks at a fair, and drunk we were, crazy drunk, splashing ~rough a sea of wings and moonlight and the silvery wool of the sheep. Was it night? Was it day? Did our feet touch the ground?

'Shh, shh, you'll wake up my guests,' said the Innkeeper we met coming in the other direction with his arms full of wood. And when we got to the shed out back, one of the three foreigners who were there held a finger to his lips. "At the eye of the storm, you know, there's no wind-nothing moves-nothing breathes-even silence keeps silent. So hush now. Hush. There he is. You see him? You see him?

"By Almighty God, brothers. Open your eyes. Listen."

-Frederick Buechner, "The Birth"

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

a song. a song. high above the trees.

So long, Moses
Hello, Promised Land
It was a long, long road
But your people are home
So long, Moses

Hello, Joshua
Goodbye, Canaanites
We're coming to town
Twelve tribes and no crown
No crown, Oh Lord


We want a king on a throne
Full of power, with a sword in his fist
Will there ever be, ever be a king like this?

*******************************

I'll be the first to admit that when I was a music major, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth, I was one of the most uptight people you'll probably ever know. And any musician east of the Mississippi knew that the best way to get a quick anxiety attack out of me was to play any major scale and leave out that last resolution. You can hear it now, can't you? All the way up to that 7th and then...

nothing.
Just leave it hanging.
*palms up. mouth open.*

People would do it any time they so much as heard me laughing outside a classroom or walking down the practice room hallway. And when it happened, for the first few million years they did it to me, I'd just have to rush to the nearest instrument and play that last note. I couldn't stand it.

Then at some point there came a day that I put two and two together. Turns out, I can actually sing. Weird, right? For a vocal education major...

Nonetheless, it occurred to me that rather than rush to an instrument to play that final note and give myself a little room to move forward, I could just sing it.

So I did.

Every time.

I still do this quite often.

Just a note for those of you who may have heard me just hum one pitch at any given point, there's a good chance I heard something that didn't resolve on its own. So I resolved it. Feel free to judge and diagnose at will. I'm okay with it.

But something has happened within the most recent years...

I'm actually starting to enjoy the open-ended-ness of an unresolved scale...the fading into the air of that last little frayed edge...

the expectation of a resolution...

The advent, if you will...

*******************************

Hello, Saul
First king of Israel
You were foolish and strong
So you didn't last long
Goodbye, Saul

Hail, King David
Shepherd from Bethlehem
Set the temple of God
In mighty Jerusalem


You were a king on a throne
Full of power, with a sword in his fist
Has there ever been, ever been a king like this?
Full of wisdom, full of strength, the hearts of the people are his
Hear, O Israel, was ever there a king like this?

*******************************

I've been thinking these past few weeks about that night in Bethlehem... unclean and dark. Probably cold. And Mary... so young. Even thinking about it now, I shudder and tear up at the sheer horror of giving birth to a baby without my mother next to me -- giving birth without any clear understanding of what apparently cosmic-sized plan for humanity this pain is part. It would have to be part of a plan, right? The darkness, the ache, the tears, and the sweat... such pain. Such blood.

so
much
blood.


tell me it's part of a plan.
tell me it will land...

*******************************

That last push.

Was the universe completely still?
Did the earth take that one agonizing, deep breath with her?

tell me.
i beg you.
tell me there's a plan.

Did the angels cover their mouths and raise their eyebrows in anticipation?
Were they holding hands and suppressing fear-shattering laughter?



*******************************

it's almost time.
Hope is coming for me.

*******************************


Hello, prophets
The kingdom is broken now
The people of God
Have been scattered abroad
How long, O Lord?

So speak, Isaiah
Prophet of Judah
Can you tell of the One
This king who's going to come

Will he be a king on a throne
Full of power with a sword in his fist?
Prophet, tell us will there be another king like this?
Full of wisdom, full of strength,
The hearts of the people are his
Prophet, tell us will there be
another king like this?

And Isaiah said:

"He'll bear no beauty or glory
Rejected, despised
A man of such sorrow
We'll cover our eyes

He'll take up our sickness
Carry our tears
For his people
He will be pierced

He'll be crushed for our evils
Our punishment feel
By his wounds
We will be healed."

"From you, O Bethlehem
Small among Judah
A ruler will come
Ancient and strong."

-Andrew Peterson "So Long, Moses"



**Note: If you do not own or have not heard the entirety of Andrew Peterson's Behold the Lamb of God Christmas album, do not delay. Purchase it. Listen to it the whole way through.

I mean that.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

sleep in heavenly peace.

Our enemy, our captor is no pharaoh on the Nile
Our toil is neither mud nor brick nor sand
Our ankles bear no calluses from chains, yet Lord, we're bound
Imprisoned here, we dwell in our own land

Deliver us, deliver us!
Oh, Yahweh, hear our cry,
and gather us beneath your wings tonight.

Our sins they are more numerous than all the lambs we slay
These shackles they were made with our own hands
Our toil is our atonement and our freedom yours to give
So Yahweh, break your silence if you can

Deliver us, deliver us!
Oh, Yahweh, hear our cry,
and gather us beneath your wings tonight
Deliver us, deliver us!
Oh, Yahweh, hear our cry,
and gather us beneath your wings tonight

'Jerusalem, Jerusalem
How often I have longed
To gather you beneath my gentle wings'

-Andrew Peterson Deliver Us


I can’t help but meditate on the word ‘advent’ this month.
Everywhere I look up the word, it’s always included with some sort of Christian doctrine of the Incarnation, which makes sense. But when I finally find it without being sprinkled by vocabulary I’d hear on a Saturday morning Bible cartoon (color me cynical), the simplest definition is what moves me.

‘n. the arrival of something important, something awaited.’

It’s funny, I’d never really taken any time or effort in learning what this season was really all about. It wasn’t until I was finishing up my time at Wheaton that I began to care at all about any sort of liturgical practice. I’d always been pretty sensitive to things that appear ritualistic… it had always rubbed me the wrong way. It’s so easy for us to get caught up in the movements and lose any and all substance…

But then,

then you drown in substance.

And you can’t help but notice the piles and piles of chains being placed on you by your seemingly imperative responsibility to form an entirely original opinion on every single matter in existence (or not in existence, for that matter). You find yourself saying, what is this even for?

What good is this accomplishing?

Where is this all going to land?

What, in God’s name, am I doing here?

The blood pumping thru the veins in your arms and legs is slowing down, turning to cold liquid lead… they burn as you step and drag the dead weight what feels like half an inch forward. You nearly fall backward and glance behind you to see the sharp edges of ice and rock that would serve as your landing spot. More chains.

More opinions.
More substance.
More reasons to quit.

Suddenly, the rituals – the movements almost entirely done by somebody else—don’t look so heretical. They look like relief. Like the only thing close to rest.

You could almost weep thinking of them.

We did this because we saw You do it once. We do this because this makes us feel like You were just here… like You’re close. We miss You.

we miss You.

Advent.

Weeping.
Fasting.

Deliver us.

deliver us.

When I think about all the things I’m waiting for… waiting with such desperation and anxiety… and hope…

I even carved it in my arm. So much to be delivered from…

How beautiful its arrival will be. The only way I can even imagine reacting is weeping and maybe jumping up and down or wiggling my fingers like I do when I think about one of our road trips or a really good milkshake...

Sometimes I can smell its entrance. It gets quiet and thin around me. I don’t know if it’s sunny, but I don’t care. Because everything is changing. Still moving, but slowly. My vision blurs slightly and I try not to panic because I don’t want to miss anything…

I blink and rub my eyelids and my stupid contacts move out of place. I know I look ridiculous trying to get them to move back. And then, without a hint of theatrical staging, no background soundtrack, no makeup or clean-shaven leading man…

with blood and straw
and gore
with dirt stained faces and the stench of livestock and farm filth

He’s here.

We’ve been waiting for You.
Deliver us.

Friday, December 4, 2009

friday.

HERO

My faith in Thee grows graver
With the dawning of each day:
And my feet grow firmer, braver,
As I travel on the way.
My Love! I never waver
Nor dally nor delay.

Unmindful of the gravel,
Fire-drenched with noonday heat
With hungers to unravel
The secret of my feet:
Towards Thee straight I travel
And find it very sweet!

Beloved, I am bringing
Myself to Thee more near,
My soul is hourly ringing
More certain and more clear.
A well of God is springing
Out of each drop of tear.

Since sometimes in my treading
The path I find the eyes
A sudden teardrop shedding
To take by sweet surprise
A waiting star whose wedding
Shall be in paradise.

My faith in Thee grows truer
And taller than a tower;
My soul grows ever newer,
Re-born in deeper power:
My steps grow fewer, fewer
Towards Thee every hour.

Behold me swiftly gliding
A-challenging the stark
Bare waters, smoothly tiding
O’er billows rough and dark,
Unto Thy care confiding
My tempest-haunted barque.

Though shadows grey and umber
In light’s apparent loss,
Like deep and deathly slumber
Brood heavily across
The waters, I outnumber
Their inky leap and toss

With my uncounted splendors
Flung o’er them far and wide,
Until each billow tenders
A truce on every side,
And silently surrenders
To silence like a bride.

No shadow ever hurteth
The light that is the whole
Horizon-calm which skirteth
The ocean of the soul:
Never Thy love deserteth
The boat that seeks Thy goal.

O let the darks grow thicker
Around the outer seas,
And let the gales blow quicker
And wilder if they please:
My soul without a flicker
Burns through the centuries.

Destruction is mistaken
If with its bleeding-black
Deluge it thinks to waken
Dread on my voyager’s track:
Behold! I am unshaken
By its most dread attack.

My faith in thee shall shield me
Against the darkling horde;
Beloved, thou shalt wield me
Like an all-conquering sword,
And every moment yield me
A splendor unexplored.

--HARINDRANATH CHATTOPADHYAYA, The Divine Vagabond