day 3. i call it, 'say.'

**
even if your hands are shaking.
**

The words are getting farther and farther away from my ears. They've taken their time, beating the walls in my head, slashing my esophagus and piercing through my lungs and stomach. They sit, nay, they convulse in my heart on day 3 since I first heard them. And in their convulsions, the ideas, the visions, the still images... they are infuriating, heartbreaking, tragic, and indescribably beautiful.

**
and your faith is broken
**

Because all that is dead, does not have to stay that way.
And all that appears dark cannot not be conquered by the presence of light however small.

And that is the truth.

**
even as the eyes are closing
**

Healing
may very well be the most painful thing I have ever gone through.

And it has taken my breath away.

He
has taken my breath away.

With the weight and texture of His mercy. Of His love. Of the grace that is, indeed, so hard to swallow.

**
do it with a heart wide open
**

I often wonder, since I was once told, if I reveal too much-- if I say too many things or give the appearance of opening up so much that nothing is left to the imagination. But I'm starting to believe that maybe whoever gets this peak into my existence on this planet... for however long... this is for you to see as much as it is for me to have shown it.

And I am a firm believer that if there is anything God Almighty will say to me when I can hear His voice in my ears and I'm... finished... I just can't picture Him saying, "Now, Megan, you just took that all a bit far... you tried a bit too hard..."

**
have no fear for giving in
have no fear for giving over
you better know that in the end
it's better to say too much
than never to say what you need to say again
**

And you know what...

maybe He won't say anything to me at all.
Maybe He will just see me.
And I will have been seen.



And it will be good.

come-apart.

Then the Old Man of the Earth stooped over the floor of the cave, raised a huge stone from it, and left it leaning. It disclosed a great hole that went plumb-down.

"That is the way," he said.

"But there are no stairs."

"You must throw yourself in. There is no other way."

-George MacDonald (The Golden Key)

let it be a sweet, sweet sound.

You do your work the best that you can
you put one foot in front of the other...
Life comes in waves and makes its demands
you hold on as well as you're able.

You've been here for a long long time...

But Hope has a way of turning its face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
'It's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be Hope'

It's hard to recall what blew out the flame
it's been dark since you can remember
you talk it all through to find it a name
as days go on by without number

You've been here for a long long time

Hope has a way of turning its face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window
and something there leaves you breathless
you say to yourself
'It's been a while since I felt this
but it feels like it might be Hope'

Hope has a way of turning its face to you
just when you least expect it
you walk in a room
you look out a window

And something's there...
something's there...

It's Hope.


*Sara Groves 'It Might Be Hope'

the truth.

we are all capable of despicable self-absorption, and that is the truth.
i, more often than not (and much to my great despair), love only the ones who love me, and that is the truth.

i plan even when not consciously planning. and it almost always breaks my heart. and that is the truth.

i can't keep fingernail polish on my fingernails looking decent for a solid week. and that is SO the truth.

i expect cruelty from almost everyone, and that is the truth.
i am learning that maybe people aren't so bad, and that is the truth.
i understand what it means to loathe the hope that won't seem to falter underneath all of the darkness. it is painful. hope is so painful. and that is the truth.

where i may mourn and fall under the pressure of great sadness, i do ultimately have the goal of a lion heart and will not be shaken. and that is the truth.

when i love, it is deeply and without restraint. and that is the truth.
i have long been aware that if i do not love, i am nothing. and that is the truth.
i was not made for ordinary use, and that is the truth.
this world is not my home, and that has never felt more like the truth.
Jesus is the most precious thing i will ever know. and that is the truth.

i suffer from serious unbelief and fear and frustration... and from accusations that all that has ever happened to me in my life was deserved and has ruined me. and no matter how hard i try--no matter the effort i put into belief, i find that it must be a supernatural occurrence. i must be given the belief by One who is Truth. and i am growing to be okay with that. and that is the truth.

Jesus weaves and spins the fibers of what makes me a person... of what makes me love Him in a way that only He could have orchestrated and I get the pleasure and agony of experiencing it. He hand tailors that for me. As He does for every human being who ever existed and ever will exist... And He gives us opportunities to experience these things together... He makes us matter to each other... because He is a creative God. *laugh* Oh, so creative. And even out of blood, of charred skin and ashes... He brings such beauty. I believe that. and it is the truth.

Though He slay me, I will hope in Him.*
and that is the truth.

*Job 13:15

a spade.

I say I'm willing to learn.
I even go so far as to say I love to learn.

And when the actual learning comes, I fold and cry like a kindergartner.

I don't understand. I can't do this right...

I suppose I could spend a lot of time in this blog making it sound like poetry when really it's just self-pity.

I know it. You know it. We all know it.

Call a spade, yes?

Yes.

Truth is, I had a miserable week. I tried not to say I'd had a miserable week because the reasons for said misery were so deeply rooted that to even begin to unpack them would make them all the miserable...er...

*scratches head*

Anyway, despite the fact that my head, chest and ears are full of pollen-induced infection, I'm hopeful about the coming week. The coming weeks...

I'm hopeful about my life.

I don't think belief is always a decision I can make for myself. I think belief is learned, especially as grownups. But hope...

Hope is a decision.


*****
Are You caught up in me like I heard You say?
Or just some big cashier that I'll have to pay?
I just wanna be not what I am today
I just wanna be better than my friends might say
I just want a small part in Your passion play...
****

i would try and stand as tall as i can.

here's to you, Monday:

a hopeful outlook for the week
a glimpse of restoration, however distant
slight insomnia
a light glance into what my life could potentially be...

tonight, if i could do anything out loud without waking up the house, i would gather some chums (and relatives) and relive this.

i like to think eternity will include a good hundred thousand years or so of just getting to do that...

g*nite, friends.

from the marrow.

o, for a heart that does not ache
and for a backbone that won't break
for some steady feet
or sturdy ground
a road that isn't gonna let me
turn around...and around...and around...

for a thousand tongues to sing

to wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
for the patience and perspective of a man like Job
just to soar on wings of eagles
for no other reason
than the bird's eye view
for a flight or two

and the list gets longer
of who i wish i was
and was no longer

i never could be good enough
to measure up
but You
wanna take me as i come
You're the only who can
so take me as i am

o, to feel hope in hopeless times
never mind the silver lining cause the clouds are fine
to breathe prayers that move the heavens
that save hundreds from the flames
to know my place
to know my name

but the gap grows wider
between who i am
and all i aspire to be

i never could be good enough
to measure up
but You
wanna take me as i come
You're the only one who can
take me as i am

at the end of myself, at the end of the day
i can find little else but the courage to say:

i need You. that's all.

i need You.

that's

all.

* Nichole Nordeman "Take Me As I Am"