I'm taking an hour break from my study today. I'm trying not to do too much of anything "new" at this point. It would only exhaust and overwhelm me further I think...
Stress causes a lot of introspection I think. The only time I felt so overwhelmed that I fought off tears was today when I drove to get lunch after class. I was frustrated to be behind this huge 15 passenger van that blocked my view of the red-light which I felt sure was green. But for some reason we were at a dead stop. This does not make me happy in the suburbs. No reason not to go when it's legal...so for God's sake GO! Anyway, I sat there thinking about what exactly it is that makes me so nervous about taking this huge exam. And it finally occurred to me--which is what evoked the tears.
I'm afraid of what I can't do.
And no one...NO ONE at this God-forsaken place has taken the opportunity to find out whether or not I actually can do this, so it leaves the entire thing up to my trust in what I know and what I believe God can do with what I know. I've heard the stories... I know what He can do with next to nothing. I just don't want to be next to nothing. I don't know. It takes too much energy for this kind of self-analysis right now. Or at any point in the next 24 hours. I should just shut up and jump...
Stress causes a lot of introspection I think. The only time I felt so overwhelmed that I fought off tears was today when I drove to get lunch after class. I was frustrated to be behind this huge 15 passenger van that blocked my view of the red-light which I felt sure was green. But for some reason we were at a dead stop. This does not make me happy in the suburbs. No reason not to go when it's legal...so for God's sake GO! Anyway, I sat there thinking about what exactly it is that makes me so nervous about taking this huge exam. And it finally occurred to me--which is what evoked the tears.
I'm afraid of what I can't do.
And no one...NO ONE at this God-forsaken place has taken the opportunity to find out whether or not I actually can do this, so it leaves the entire thing up to my trust in what I know and what I believe God can do with what I know. I've heard the stories... I know what He can do with next to nothing. I just don't want to be next to nothing. I don't know. It takes too much energy for this kind of self-analysis right now. Or at any point in the next 24 hours. I should just shut up and jump...
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