blue mind.

Honest to God, I can’t remember ever wishing to grow up. This could be due to several things. Mostly, I’ve always felt pretty old. There’s never been a time when I didn’t understand far more than I should have in order to maintain some sense of innocence. I’ve always seen into the layers of things. Not because I’m some sort of savant, but because it’s how I survived. Literally. If my life—all that I was seeing and enduring--wasn’t really about something else, then there was no point. No rhyme. No reason. No purpose. No story.

Why live?

That said, where I’ve always felt like I was an adult, I do know that I kept hoping that one day things would slow down or the trauma would subside long enough for me to have my turn. All I really wanted, and even find myself wanting now, was (and is) the space to figure out what exactly it is that I love, what I’d want to do and who, exactly, the hell I am.

I thought my turn might come in college, even though I made the decision to stay closer to home. I find myself wondering now if I didn’t miss out on my turn because of that decision. Where I could’ve gone…what I could’ve done… Bygones.

My turn came in pieces in college. I learned about people. I made stupid, careless mistakes with my heart and my judgment and my reputation in the name of feeling lighthearted or even rebellious (as rebellious as I would’ve been). Then in graduate school I thought for sure my turn had come. This was going to be the part where I grew into my skin and finally understood myself.

Lies.

I left grad school more insecure than I came. And yet, a better, more articulate version of myself. Riddle me that, Batman.

Now, here I am. In a cubicle. The exact place I said I’d NEVER be.

Maybe I should’ve just said I’d never stay in a cubicle?

*sigh*

Everybody had to do this, right? Everybody who’s ever done anything that mattered had to start somewhere that made them all say to themselves at some point or another, “What in the hell am I doing here?”

I’m not grown up enough to be a grown up. I’ve got officially nothing figured out.

And to top it off, I’m almost headed in the exact opposite direction. I don’t want to answer the question, “What do you want to do?” anymore. The only answer that I’ve had for 26 years is that I just want to be like Jesus. And yeah, don’t think I haven’t gotten the lecture on ‘making a living’ (my number one favorite ‘I’m a sell-out’ phrase) and being a ‘good steward’ of money (that I don’t have and don’t really care the first thing for making….?). I’ve gotten those lectures. And it doesn’t matter how in-depth we take the conversation about what I want to do… the details are always going to be the same. What do I love to study? Jesus. What do I want to talk about? How everything relates to Jesus or doesn’t. What, in a perfect world, would I do with my time and my life? Travel, write, learn, listen to folks and talk about Jesus.

Do not be surprised if you answer any career surveys like this to then immediately receive the following message:

We’re sorry. Your request has returned (0) results. You aren’t compatible with anything. Do what you want and live in a box.

Hard not to conclude that you should just marry rich and call it a day.

*Note: Do not even get me started on getting married and having babies. Sweet Jesus, I can barely commit to what I want for lunch. I’m a nightmare*

Normally, this would be the part where I would say we need to bring back bartering (which I am 100% behind). But sometimes, I’m sick of that, too. And it’s the dumbest thing. My utmost desire is to be completely self-sufficient. I’ll live outside and somehow benefit from the elements of sun and rain… I’ll eat a couple of apples and write and take pictures and draw and listen to tunes. I can hang out with my friends. We’ll all just… be.

Then it occurs to me, in this useless daydream, that all of that sounds so familiar…

Feels so familiar… why…

And God created man in His own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female He created them. And God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky, and every living thing that moves on the earth.” Then God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the surface of all the earth, and every tree which has fruit yielding seed; it shall be food for you; and to every beast of the earth and to ever bird of the sky and to everything that moves on the earth which has life, I have given every green plant for food” and it was so. And God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good.
Genesis 1:28-31

I have been there.
It is right for me to long to be there again.
I was made for that place.

And I will return. This is just what it takes.

Back to that career survey...